Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that
you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know
for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours
of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good! meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you
went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door
key into the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous I
know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is
shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now
& would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
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