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Friday, September 30, 2016

HOW DO THEY TASTE?

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

WHEN SHE STARTS LOOKING GOOD THEN I MUST BE DRUNK

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

WHAT CAN I SAY?

Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "My son is a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his girl friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "My son is a successful Bank manager. He's so rich, he just bought his girl friend a yacht". The third father says, "My son is the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his girl friend a jet". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "We are just talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fourth father says, "Its a pity my son is a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "Oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "Well yes but he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a jet. I don't know how to react"

Sunday, September 25, 2016

LEARN HERE HOW TO KNOW THE AGE OF THE BRIDE WITHOUT ASKING


Have you ever attended a wedding and wanted to know the age of the bride? It's very easy, and this blog will show you how, without asking any one.
 If the bride is between the age of 18-21 years, there will be almost no dancing by the bride or her parents, rather there will be sad scenes of the bride and her mother hugging each other and crying every now and then, because mother would begin missing her baby girl.

When the bride is between 22-25 years, only the bride will be dancing while the mother will sit and watch with wet eyes and forced back tears because her daughter is all grown up and ready to face the life of marriage, there will be no hugging, mother acknowledges her baby is now grown up..

When the bride is between 26-30 years, both mother and daughter will be dancing with all their might and strength in joy that the daughter has gotten a man at the right age time frame.

If she is between 31-35 years, daughter, mother and father will be trying to outdo each other on the dancing arena, really celebrating that it is better late than never.

If she 36 years and above, it’s a family dancing event, the father, mother, brothers, sisters, and the entire extended family will take over the dancing arena because they almost lost all hopes she would find a man in her life.

Friday, September 23, 2016

SIR I AM LIV SCHOOL FOREVA

Daer Sir
I'm writter this letter with haters and tell you that I'm leave your school for good enough.
The why of the leave it is because at your school, the teachers are beat us very harmful and very sad. Sometimes one day of once upon a time, I wanted to cried but my friends telled me a man is a sheep he is not a cry. I was silent but vibrating in and out.
Another why is because of discriminate, we writted a test and I'm cheated, I get 20% that I'm not deserved. The teachers says my head is dead. Oh, it pained me too much.
I will tell you plenty things when you want us early in the morning but Sir you must know it is very ice in the morning, blanket is not want to be removed from body, I wake up early but I am come late. I'm write exzam study at another school.
Great your wife and childish. Pliz tell all childs of school that I'm say good bye for ever and ever amen. Your's faithfool Jonh.

WE ARE MAKING A MOVIE PLEASE

I was broke so I called my uncle and asked him for some money he told me to meet him at a hotel in the upper class part of town, my uncle lives there. While waiting I ordered a Coke, I then noticed an expensively dressed man walk in, and sat down not very far from me. He ordered a glass of orange juice a few minutes later, a young man went straight to this man, and I heard him beg the rich man for money as he had lost his son and needed money for burial, without even thinking the rich man took out a cheque book and wrote a cheque and told the young man, 'Take this 500,000/- it should help you'. I was  shocked. The man kept on sipping his orange juice when a elderly woman walked in looked around and saw this man and she went straight to tell him that she had lost money in her mango selling business and was asking for a new start of only 20,000/- He gave her a cheque of 200,000/-. This was too much I decided to try my luck. So I went down on my knees, tears  in my eyes and began telling a very sad story, before I got far I heard 'Cut cut cut, whats wrong with you? We are making a movie here please, get out'

Thursday, September 22, 2016

WHEN DID YOU BEGIN MAMA?


MOTHER: Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told lies when I was a little girl.
BOBBY: When did you begin, then, Mamma?

REASONS WHY YOU MUST HAVE THE iPHONE 7

There are many reasons why the iPhone 7 is a must. Here are just a few. With the iPhone you can do the following;
* You can email your ancestors.
* If you hold it, you will never go hungry again.
* If you misplace it in a cab, it will automatically find its way back into your pocket.
* If an ugly person sends you a friend request, it will automatically reject it.

* You can connect its Bluetooth to a transformer & get free electricity.
* It can be used as a bomb detector.
* It can be used as a mosquito repellant.
* It will make everyone see you as a wealthy person.
* It vibrates when someone is lying... really!
* It can tell who the real father of a child is.
* It can tell if your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating.
* It prevents unwanted pregnancies: just put it in "Protection" mode.
* You can use it as an air conditioner.
* You can use it as a weapon if you're ever attacked by armed robbers.
* It can show you the way to paradise with its advanced GPS.
* It can be used as an ATM.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

GERE BY THE KILIMANJARO BAND

THAT WAS ME LAST YEAR

Dear African boys be careful be very careful ohooo, you know what happened to Muki the day spent a night at his first girlfriend's house in America? Just read on.....
After a long night of making love, Muki guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl he was with if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the now bewildered Muki. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

'SIR, I MAKE AND SELL COFFINS'

Mapunda decided to see a Pastor from a new church that had been established just across the street, that seemed to be in every neighbours talk;
Mapunda: Man of God help me Pastor : My Son, what is it? 
Mapunda : My enemies are at work my business is running down.
Pastor : Ah! that's a small problem, the Lord will surely sorve that, kneel down let me pray for you. Ahhhh your business will surely rise again. Our church members will buy from you. My family will buy from you! I will personally buy from you! Aahhhhh, the neighbors will buy from you. Can I get an Amen. 
Mapunda : Amennnnnnn ooooooh Pastor! Thank You Very Much Pastor. 
Pastor : Thank the Lord my son, he has opened up your business once again. He has put your enemies to shame. By the way what do you sell, So that I can announce at every prayer meeting?
Mapunda : Sir, I make and sell coffins

Pastor: Fireeeeee!!! Holy Ghost fire, nobody will buy from you, I shall not ever know your shop, may my family never see your shop, fire, fire, our members will never buy from you!!! The Lord will dry your business, your enemies will prosper.
Amen! Amen!! and Amen!!!

Monday, September 19, 2016

SO WHAT IS YOUR NAME YOUNG MAN?

The Admin Head of a large organization called for the new employee to see him in his office. Once the new employee was seated, the Admin Head asked, "What's your name?" The new employee replied, "Jonathan." The Admin Head snapped, "Listen, I have no idea what kind of a place you worked at before, but out here, I call everyone here by their surnames. If I start calling people by their first names, they would start taking things lightly. So, its Smith, Williams, Brown - that's it. Now that I have made myself clear, tell me your last name." The new employee said, "My last name is Honey." The Admin Head said, "Okay Jonathan, I will arrange for an orientation and then...."

10 YEARS IN JAIL AND 18% VAT

The Judge charged Peter with rape and pronounced in the court, "You are to undergo ten years of rigorous imprisonment and you are charged with a fine of 1,060,000/- shillings"

Peter asked, "I did not understand the odd figure of 1,200,000/-."

The Judge replied, "1,000,000/- fine for rape, 18% VAT and 2% entertainment tax."

VACATE HIS KENNEL FIRST


Jadu shouted at his neighbour Ngoswe, "Can you ask your dog to shut up. He has been barking non-stop since several hours. I have a severe headache from last night's drinking and trying hard to catch a wink."

Ngoswe replied, "I am sure my dog will calm down as soon as you vacate his kennel."

HOW GIRLS SLEEP


DO YOU KNOW HOW CONDOMS ARE MADE?

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t” she replied. Well,” he spoofed, “There’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.” She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried.” – he thought. Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?” he asked. “I was just picturing how condoms are made!” – she said

YESTERDAY DAY WAS THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Honestly yesterday was the saddest day in my life. I was at a bus stop waiting to take a bus home. I was holding my new phone listening to music through the earphones, when I heard a young lady complaining she had lost her phone. So I went near her to listen to what she was saying, I saw this well dressed woman who looked quite wealthy, as soon as she saw my phone she shouted, 'That's my phone, that's my phone'. For a moment I couldn't even open my mouth, I was so confused. She held my shirt collar and gave me stinging slap, I saw stars. The crowd started beating me up, luckily a policeman was passing by and stopped further punishment. He orders us to follow him to the police station. When we reached there I tried my best to explain that I was innocent but the woman kept interrupting. So the policeman asked for the woman's number and dialed through his phone. The call was picked by a girl, who said the number belonged to her mother who had left her phone at home. I cried more now because I had  been disgraced, beaten, abused all for nothing. The policeman told the woman to settle me with some money. The woman wrote a cheque of 2 million shillings and gave it to me. With tears in my eyes I headed to the bank. Just when I was handing the cheque to the teller, my friend shook me up and said, 'Hey sleepy head wake up let's go school' I started crying again

Sunday, September 18, 2016

SUNDAY AFTERNOON BAR JOKES


Definition of Honeymoon:
a man's last holiday
before he starts working
for a new boss !!

                  ********************* 

Police Inspector: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
             **************************

JOJO: How the word "Wife" was invented?
MOJO: They took the first two and last two letters of "Wildlife"!

               ***************************
Husband-(After calling someone) Hi baby you okay? I have missed you so much I just had to call you.
Wife: Oh. What? But you just left me after a big fight, What changed your mind?
Husband: Oh Shit! I dialled home again. Its ok I was just joking.
             ***************************

Married life in a nutshell:
Anything you say or do maybe used against you!


Friday, September 9, 2016

IT BELONGED TO HIS WIFE

A guy rented a beautiful house in Sinza and moved in with his
family. After 2 years, the rent was increased
from 400,000/- per month  to 500,000/-, the guy didn't complain because he liked the house.
The third year, he went into financial downhill and had a hard time coming up with the rent, his wife told him she would borrow from her relatives and she did. The following year the rent rose to 700,000/- and the man became upset. So he
begged the middle man to introduce him to the
landlord so that he could plead with him but this was not possible. So he got some friends to do an underground
investigation and uncover who the landlord is.
What he found out really shook him: The house
belonged to his wife.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF HOUSEWIVES CONGRATULATES THE GOVERMENT

By Staff Reporter 
The National Association of House Wives has written a letter congratulating the government for bringing the country into a big shortage of pocket money.
According to the Association, their husbands now return home in the evening straight from the office after work as the husbands no longer have money to visit beer joints and stay there till late in the nights.
Also, the Association said that they are having a good laugh against their husband's 'michepuko' who their husbands have abandoned for some time now. Their husbands no longer have enough money to spend at home let alone spending for the side chicks so many husbands have opted to be faithful to their wives this period of depression to save money and have peace of mind from the complaints of those michepukos who of recent have been venturing in unending complaints that the men no longer give them money as before .


Saturday, September 3, 2016

GOVERMENT ASSURES SAFE ENVIORMENT FOR HUMAN RIGHTS DEFENDERS

The Nyamagana District Administrative Officer Kombe Danty (2nd left), speaking at the closing of the Security and  Risk Assessment Training to Human Rights Defenders, in the mining sector which took place in Mwanza recently.

By George Binagi-GB Pazzo
The Nyamagana District Commisioner, Mary Tesha, has assured Human Rights Defenders in the country that the Government will create safe working environment for them. This was mentioned in her speech that was read on her behalf by the  Nyamagana Administrative Officer during the closing of their seminar. The Coordinator of Human Rights Defenders Network in the Country Onesmo Olengurumwa, said the network has been giving seminars on the human rights defenders to enable them work smoothly with the Government
Left to right The Secretary of the MP for Nyamagana, Heri Nkoromo, Nyamagana Administrative Officer Kombe Danty, Humana Rights Defeneders Network Coordinator Onesmo Olengurumwa, and Human Rights Defenders Coordinatorfor Mara, Mwanza and Simiyu Regions, Antony Mayunga.


Participants of the three day seminar receiving their certificates.






The Tanzania network of Human Rights Defenders (THRD) includes defenders of various groups of the public including farmers,lawyers, children, women and other groups

PRESIDENT MAGUFULI RECEIVES A WARM WELCOME IN ZANZIBAR AND PEMBA

 
  The President of the Republic of Tanzania, Dr John Pombe Magufuli arriving at Abeid Amani Karume International Airport in  Zanzibar, while coming from  Pemba Island where he laid a wreath on the grave of the former Chief Minister of  Zanzibar Dr Omar Ali Juma, and he later held a huge pblic rally at the Gombani ya Kale Grounds
   The President being welcomed to Zanzibar
  The President meeting Security Comanders immediately after stepping down from the plane
    The President greeting the Speaker of the Zanzibar's House of Representatives, Hon Zuberi Ali Maulid on arriving in Zanzibar
  The President greeting Zanzibar's Minister of Transport and Communication Ambassador Ali Abeid Karume.
  The President greeting the Deputy Minister of Internal Affairs Hon. Hamad Yussuf Masauni.
  Greeting with the Representative of  Uzini Hon. Mohamed Raza Hassanali
  The President shaking hands with the Zanzibar Minister of Health Hon. Mahmoud Thabit Kombo





  The President meeting with various leaders of the Zanzibar Goverment.

  The presentative greeting the representative of  Tunguu Zanzibar, Hon. Simai Mohammed Said.
  Kilua Dancers performing for the President
 The President enjoying Zanzibar's traditional dance Msewe, at the Abeid Amani Karume International Airport upon arriving in Zanzibar. All Pictures by State House